


and if I held you back, at least I held you close

by thotsandfeelings



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M, Some Fluff, Some angst, set some time during 7x06ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:47:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28659714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thotsandfeelings/pseuds/thotsandfeelings
Summary: "I said you should be with me andyouwalked away.”
Relationships: Josh Lyman/Donna Moss
Comments: 14
Kudos: 134





	and if I held you back, at least I held you close

Josh can practically feel the steam coming off Donna as she drags him by his arm to his hotel room. She’s only been with Santos for 3 days now and to say they’re having trouble readjusting would be an understatement. 

“What the hell is the matter with you?” Donna yells from across the hotel room once the door shuts. 

“With _me_?” he exclaims. “You’re the one who—“

“You can’t just talk to me that way, Josh! Lou hired me. Get over it.”

“Yeah, and I will gladly remind you who hired her,” he states indignantly. “I’m still the boss, Donna. No matter how much you try to defy—“

“How is me doing my job in any way defying you?”

“You didn’t want the job!” he yells, throwing his hands out. “I told you– I _told_ you that you were in the wrong campaign. I said you should be with me and _you_ walked away.”

He doesn’t have to say the implied “again” to make Donna clench and unclench her fist and take a deep breath, trying to calm down as she stares at him. “When are you going to forgive me for leaving, Josh? It was months ago. I lost, you won. Why does this have to be personal?”

“Because it’s personal, Donna, and you’re kidding yourself if you think it isn’t.”

“Why?” she asks incredulously, her eyes wide. “Why does it have to be personal? Why can’t you get past this?”

“You left me!” he shouts and Donna stands up straight. “You just... quit and you left without another word.”

“I tried talking to you for weeks,” she says, her voice quiet. “ _Weeks_ , Josh. You kept canceling, remember?”

“You could’ve told me—“

“I tried! You wouldn’t _let me_. As soon as I got back to work from Gaza and Germany it’s like...,” she inhales deeply and rubs her temples, “it was like nothing happened. Like it didn’t mean anything to you and I was expected to just go back to normal.”

“Donna—“

“You knew before I left that I wanted more. Leo knew I was capable when he sat me on the budget meetings in your place. CJ knew it. Toby knew it when he trusted me with the MS. The President of the United States knew it, Josh. So, what else was I supposed to do when _you_ , the man in charge of my upward movement, didn’t see it? You left me no choice. You refused to talk to me, you brushed me off when I asked for more, and you got mad at me when _you_ fucked up and I had to take over!” Her breathing is coming out heavier the more she talks, but she’s on a roll now and doesn’t care. “I’m worth so much more than being your little sidekick puppy dog. I proved that I can do this without you and I refuse to apologize for my methods when you left me no choice but to leave the way I did.”

Josh is staring at her, his chest also moving a little more rapidly, and she can’t read the expression on his face. 

“Are you done?” he asks and her eyes flash, about to tear into him again, but before she can get another word out, he’s moving toward her and she furrows her brows in confusion right before he kisses her. 

Donna freezes in place, her brain short circuiting for a second, but her body takes over and she’s kissing him back before she can stop herself. It isn’t until one of them lets out a small noise, she isn’t sure who it comes from, that she snaps out of it and pushes his shoulders back roughly. 

“What–“ she shakes her head, “you can’t just _kiss_ me and—“

“Shut up,” he murmurs and pulls her in again. She tries to lean back. “Donna.”

He hesitates, just a breath away from her lips still, gauging her reaction as he slowly inches toward her. When she doesn’t fight him, he kisses her softly this time, lovingly, and his hands move to thread through her hair. After a few seconds, she surrenders completely and melts into him, her arms coming to anchor around his waist, fisting his shirt in her hands, and he groans. He tilts his head and deepens the kiss, his tongue slipping past her lips, and his knees buckle slightly when she whimpers breathlessly. He pulls back after a minute, breathing hard as he rests his forehead against hers. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. 

“For what?” He drags his hands down her sides and sighs. He kisses her again, but leans away before she can really respond, and starts pacing in front of her. “Josh.”

“I’m _sorry_ ,” he repeats and runs his hand over his hair. He stops pacing and looks at her. “You just–“ he smiles and her brow furrows again. 

“I just what?”

“You just looked so insanely attractive while you were admonishing me, I couldn’t help it.”

Her brow furrows deeper. “You’re apologizing for _kissing_ me? After all of—”

“No,” he huffs and starts pacing again. “I mean, I wasn’t really planning on our first kiss being in some hotel room while we were fighting, but I’m definitely not sorry about that part.”

Donna crosses her arms. “What are you sorry for then?”

“Well, clearly I have more to be sorry for than I originally thought.”

“Josh—“

“I didn’t know how to handle Gaza.”

“No shit.”

“Can you–“ he gives her a look, “can you just let me get this out? You know I work better out loud and I need you to just, y’know, _let me_ without interrupting.”

Her jaw ticks, but she sits on the end of the bed and gestures with her hands toward him. “Fine.”

“Gaza happened,” he starts again, “and I went crazy. Like, homicidal levels of crazy, and I went to you with... nothing. I didn’t pack a damn thing. I just _went_ because it was _you_ and that’s what we do and I read your emails on the flight and there was nothing about another man, so when he walked through that door and kissed you, I realized— I was embarrassed, I guess.”

She says his name softly, but he ignores it. “And that’s not me saying that I _regret_ going because I don’t. I sent you there and you got hurt and you needed me and there is nowhere else I would’ve been, Donna. But the second that CJ told me there’d been an accident, that wall that you and I have kept steady all these years was just… It was _obliterated_. I thought I was too late, I thought I missed my chance because you were—“ he cuts off and swallows roughly. She watches him intently as he closes his eyes. “When I saw you and Colin, it was like I’d had a bucket of ice water dumped on top of me, so I swallowed my pride and I put the wall back up and I stayed, as your friend, until you kicked me out.” He stops his pacing and pulls one of the chairs over, flips it backwards, and straddles it as he faces her. “When I got back, I had to save face. I knew what everyone was thinking, but I was determined to brush it off. We’re friends and colleagues and I was too scared to admit what it all really meant because it clearly wasn’t reciprocated and for that I am truly sorry. I acted like everything was normal when you finally came back to work because I’m a coward and I didn’t know what to say.” He wrings his hands together restlessly before shoving them through his hair. “And I knew you were capable of more, Donna. I really did and _do_ know how smart you are and how worthy you are of the job and I’m sorry I made you feel like you weren’t. I should’ve cheered you on and let you go, but...”

He stops and scratches his head roughly with his fingers and Donna leans forward to brush over his forearm. “But what?”

His head pops up and he swallows a little shakily as he looks at her. 

“I was terrified,” he finally whispers, blinking slowly as his gaze turns away from her. Donna squeezes his arm reassuringly. “The first time I let you on your own, you almost _died_. I couldn’t let that happen again. I couldn’t let you out of my sight, so I tried to keep you as close as possible even though I knew you were wanting more. I was trying to delay it for as long as I could, but it didn’t work. I’m sorry for canceling all those lunches. I knew you were having trouble and I knew you needed me and you were frustrated and getting angrier and angrier with me, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I couldn’t say goodbye. I couldn’t lose you, too.”

Donna sighs heavily and takes her hand off his arm and flops back on the bed, scrubbing her face with her hands. This is not the conversation she was expecting to have when she pulled Josh into his room, and she’s suddenly very tired. 

“I don’t know what I was expecting,” he says, chuckling wryly. “I mean, why wouldn’t you quit? I would have.”

The chair scrapes across the carpet as he stands again, but she stays where she is. “Am I allowed to speak now?”

Josh sits down next to her and she opens her eyes to look at him, raising her eyebrow expectantly. He nods and she sits up. 

“You’re an idiot.”

His face scrunches. “...okay.”

“I mean,” she huffs out a laugh, “we both are, but you especially.”

“Donna, I don’t—“

“You didn’t think I was on the same page?” she asks and his eyes widen. “You didn’t think that I knew your guilt complex was on overload after everything? I had a whole speech prepared for all of it, Josh. I hadn’t planned on saying goodbye to you at all.”

“Really?”

She gives him an incredulous look. “You honestly believe, after everything we’ve been through, that I _wanted_ to leave you?”

Josh’s mind races as he takes in her words, slowly realizing what it all means. 

“It killed me. It took every bit of willpower I have to not come into work the next day and beg for my job back,” she says and she puts her hand back on his arm. 

They sit there silently, Josh letting her words ferment before he responds. He focuses on the rhythm her fingers are strumming against his forearm so he doesn’t start hyperventilating. He had everything all wrong. 

“I really am an idiot.”

Donna huffs out a laugh. “I’m sorry for calling you that. I know you were just scared. I should’ve, I don’t know, locked you in your office and forced you to listen to me. We probably could’ve avoided this whole mess.” 

“Yeah,” he sighs and finally turns to face her. She’s got a soft smile curving her lips and his gaze flashes to them for a moment before flicking up to her eyes. “It’s not your fault.”

“Gaza wasn’t yours either,” she says firmly. “I never blamed you.” She looks down and grabs his hand gently in hers, running her thumb across his knuckles. “I’m really glad you were there.”

Josh smiles sadly and squeezes her hand. “No red lights, remember?” 

A deep sigh escapes Donna and she leans her head on his shoulder. He wraps his arm around her and rubs her back, closing his eyes as everything settles inside of him. They stay that way, just breathing together and ruminating over what the other has said. 

“You kissed me,” she murmurs and the hand on her back freezes for a moment before resuming its path up to her shoulder. “I mean... you _kissed_ me.” 

“Yeah, listen—“

“Are you planning on doing it again?”

He leans back from her and she sits up straight, a smirk on her face. 

“Did you _want_ me to do it again?”

The smile on her face grows and her eyes flash down to his lips. She puts a finger under his chin and brings him close. “What do you think?” 

Josh doesn’t reply, just dips the rest of the way to press his lips lightly to hers. He feels the smile still on her face and her hand creeps up to his cheek, brushing his skin softly. It’s so tender and affectionate and his heart thumps steadily against his ribs when she doesn’t pull away from him. They keep it slow and delicate, neither one of them wanting the moment to end. 

So, of course, there’s a knock at the door. 

He groans when the knock grows louder and he hears “time to go!” from under the door. He regretfully pulls away from her mouth and leans against her forehead for a moment before sitting up straight. Her hand falls to his thigh, but she’s still smiling at him. 

“Does this mean I’m forgiven?” she asks cheekily, her lips rosy red from his kisses. 

“I thought we established that _I_ was the inconsiderate asshole in this little drama.”

She shrugs and picks off imaginary lint from his pants. “I am sorry for hurting you. I knew what leaving would mean and I did it anyway.”

“I forgive you,” he murmurs and kisses her forehead, apology accepted. “Will you forgive me, too?”

She nods and squeezes his knee. “You can make it up to me,” she says and stands up, heading for the door. 

“How?” he asks, snagging his jacket and backpack and holding the door open for her. They make their way out into the hall with some trailing staffers and Donna links his arm with hers. 

“You can take me to dinner.”

His eyebrows raise. “Tonight?”

“We’ll be on the bus tonight.”

“Right,” he shakes his head, the campaign completely fallen out of his head since she pulled him in his room earlier. “How about breakfast tomorrow?”

They walk outside the hotel and she moves for the bus, but he steers her over to the side of the building behind a crevice in the bricks that offers a semblance of privacy. 

“Breakfast is good,” she murmurs, her eyes twinkling. “And it won’t count if you only bring me coffee and a muffin.”

“The works,” he states, grabbing hold of her waist. “Waffles, pancakes, bacon, eggs, you name it. Whatever you want.”

She hooks her finger into his shirt between the buttons and pulls him forward, kissing the corner of his mouth sweetly before pushing him back again and stepping out of his grasp. She smiles at his dazed look, his eyes still closed, and she squeezes his arm. 

“Thanks for taking me back. Again.”

“Third time’s the charm, right?”

She grins. “I think so.”

And with that, she leaves him, and falls into step with Lou. Josh stares after her, his face goofy until Santos sidles up next to him and claps his shoulder. 

“You got those numbers out of Arizona for me?”

Josh doesn’t reply immediately, still staring at Donna as she turns around and gives him a knowing look before disappearing onto the bus. He clears his throat when he feels Santos nudge his shoulder. 

“What? Yeah, I–“ he rustles through his bookbag, but remembers he gave the memos to Donna earlier. “Donna has them. We can go over it on the way.”

“Good,” Santos says and begins walking toward the bus with Josh beside him. “I like her, by the way. I’m glad she joined the team.”

Josh just smirks, his heart feeling light as air. “So am I.”


End file.
